August 10, 2025

Motivating Your Young Adult

“My son is doing nothing with his life. What should I do?” This question can leave any parent feeling helpless, worried, or even resentful. You want to see your son thrive, but instead, he sleeps all day. He avoids his responsibilities. He says he wants to change, but he doesn’t do anything about it.

If this sounds familiar, you could be dealing with someone who has a lack of motivation. In this article, we cover what motivation is, why some young adults don’t have it, and tips for motivating your young adult.

What Does Motivation Look Like?

Motivation is the internal force that directs behavior. It can be driven by personal interest, the desire for connection, or the need to achieve a specific outcome. According to the APA Dictionary of Psychology, motivation operates at conscious or unconscious levels and may be influenced by basic needs (such as hunger or safety) as well as personal goals and social expectations.

Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Motivation

There are two types of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic. Intrinsic motivation comes from within, and it’s when someone does something because it feels meaningful or enjoyable. It’s self-sustainable and tied to personal values or a sense of purpose.

In contrast, extrinsic motivation is driven by external rewards or pressures. This could mean you complete a task to avoid criticism or to earn praise.

Most people rely on both types of motivation; however, young men in recovery may struggle more with intrinsic motivation. This could be due to them chasing external validation or having low self-worth. As a result, nothing they do feels like it aligns with what feels meaningful or purposeful.

Why Do Some Young Adults Lack Motivation?

If you’re thinking to yourself, “My son has no drive or ambition,” you’re probably feeling frustrated by their lack of action or seemingly nonchalant attitude toward their life. However, there’s most likely an explanation behind what you’re seeing on the surface.

Some young adults lack motivation because of how they were raised. Others may doubt their abilities and not even try. Here are some reasons your adult son may be struggling with their motivation:

Childhood environment and safety

Research shows that kids raised in high-stress, low-support environments often develop avoidant coping skills that can carry over into adulthood. They focus on escaping potential threats instead of pursuing rewards, and this can make motivation feel risky instead of rewarding.

Learned helplessness

When someone is exposed to situations they can’t control over and over again (e.g., child neglect or abuse), they may stop believing their actions matter. If trying doesn’t seem to change anything, motivation can start to dwindle, leaving the person wondering, “Why bother?”

Low self-esteem or negative self-perception

If a person doesn’t believe they’re capable, they won’t feel motivated to make an effort. Having a poor self-image can make effort feel pointless or humiliating.

Mental health issues

People struggling with conditions like depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or substance use disorders might feel a sense of avolition, which can cause motivational paralysis. This is when someone experiences a loss of motivation to act even if there’s a reward for completion.

Unrealistic or poorly defined goals

When goals feel out of reach, they may actually cause you stress instead of inspiration. This can discourage follow-through due to perceived failure, which then can take away the motivation to keep going.

How to Motivate Your Young Adult

Your young adult may not be motivated, but by creating a safe environment with effective communication and collaboration, you can give motivation the chance to grow. Here’s how you can help your son feel capable of moving forward on their own terms.

1. Listen to and Validate Your Child

If your adult child constantly feels criticized or misunderstood, they’re less likely to take initiative. This is why it’s important to help them feel seen.

Validation isn’t the same as agreement. You can show your adult child that their emotions are real, and that you’re willing to understand their perspective without having to agree with their views or choices. Studies show that emotional validation builds greater persistence, especially in the face of adversity.

To validate your son:

Give them your full attention because their words matter. Make eye contact, listen without interrupting, and show genuine interest.
Paraphrase or repeat what they’re saying to show you understand. Try saying, “It sounds like you feel stuck and unsure of what comes next.”
Avoid judgment or dismissiveness even if you disagree. Say things like, “That makes sense,” or “I can see why you’d feel that way.”
Instead of fixing the problem yourself, help your son think through his options. Ask what they need from you, whether that’s support or space.
Model healthy coping skills during stressful times or setbacks so they learn by example.

2. Offer Positive Reinforcement

Motivation grows when effort is acknowledged. This is called positive reinforcement, and it helps build confidence while encouraging repeated behavior. To show your young adult that their actions have value:

Acknowledge their progress to reinforce the belief that they’re capable of growth.
Teach them the value of trying, regardless of failure or success.
Avoid only highlighting setbacks, and instead, reinforce what they’re doing right.

Positive reinforcement also teaches young adults which behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not. This is especially helpful for young men in recovery as they learn how to replace bad behaviors (caving into triggers) with healthier behaviors (going for a walk instead).

3. Encourage a Growth Mindset Over a Fixed Mindset

If your young adult believes they’re either “good” or “bad” at something and nothing can change that, they may avoid challenging tasks altogether. This is called a fixed mindset. On the other hand, a growth mindset helps them see failure as an opportunity to improve and grow.

One study found that students with a growth mindset were more likely to pursue mastery goals, keep going when things got hard, and perform better academically. Meanwhile, students with a fixed mindset tended to avoid effort and were quicker to disengage when struggling.

To encourage a growth mindset, you don’t want to blindly praise everything your child does. Instead, try the following:

Reframe failure as feedback as this provides insight into what to try differently next time.
Praise their progress and effort to reinforce the idea that their actions make a difference, regardless of outcome.
Share examples of your own mistakes and what you’ve learned from them. This teaches your child that growth is a lifelong journey.

4. Teach Accountability

Accountability teaches you to follow through and take responsibility even when things don’t go as planned. Many young adults struggle with motivation because they’ve never had to hold themselves accountable. If mistakes were always fixed for them or ignored, they may have missed out on learning about self-responsibility.

In recovery, if your child skips a meeting or lies about relapsing, and they don’t hold themselves accountable for their choices, they can stall their own recovery. Fortunately, you can help:

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Teach your child that accountability is a strength. It shows maturity when your child can admit they messed up but still not give up.
Encourage follow-through on small commitments first. The more often they keep their word, the more self-trust and motivation they’ll build.
Let them experience the consequences of their choices. Then, help them (without rescuing) in figuring out what to do next.

5. Support Their Independence

One of the best things you can do for your young adult is to give them the space to lead their own life as being too involved can backfire. Studies show that helicopter parents, who are controlling and overprotective, can actually prevent emotional growth and lower confidence in their children. When a young adult hasn’t had the opportunity to struggle, fail, and pick themselves back up again, they may not feel the need to take initiative because someone has always solved their problems for them.

However, you don’t need to abandon your child to support their independence. You just need to adjust your role a bit. Here’s how:

Let them make decisions as this will help build self-efficacy.
Ask questions instead of offering solutions when your young adult is facing a problem.
Support them in learning from their mistakes.

Things to Avoid When Motivating Your Adult Son

Even with the best intentions, some parenting behaviors can have the opposite effect of what you want. For motivation to thrive, you need to build a supportive and non-judgmental environment. Here's what to avoid:

Don’t criticize their pace or progress
Don’t compare them to siblings or peers
Don’t focus on past mistakes while ignoring present progress
Don’t downplay their emotions or struggles
Don’t over-control their decisions
Don’t use guilt to motivate them

When to Seek Help for Your Unmotivated Young Adult

If your son seems unmotivated or withdrawn, whether it’s from depression, trauma, or something else, it might be time for professional support. At Ethos Recovery, we specialize in working with young men in recovery who are struggling with identity confusion and the mental health challenges that prevent their motivation and growth.

Reach out today to learn how our compassionate sober living community can help your son build the confidence and independence he needs to stay motivated throughout his recovery journey.